Good day darlings. I hope you all are fine and well on the cold December morning. Moufette and I bundled up in all of our wooly finest and headed out for a quick walk around the block. Once we hit the Chateau’s gate, we felt we had gone far enough and turned back, wrapping ourselves in a nice Irish Coffee instead.
I must get out soon, though. I have some gift shopping to do. I fancy myself a marvelous gift selector; the recipient does not always see it that way but what’s more important – their happiness or my amusement? Why, my amusement, of course. I put a great deal of thought into my gifts and am always generous – heaven knows I can hardly stop at just one of anything.
I have 43 household staff, each of whom deserve something wonderful, most of whom receive just that. I got chef an engraved, gold-plated whistle, which will not endear me to her staff but tickles me to no end. Mr. Brown, my butler, is receiving a vintage smoking jacket. He looks like a beleaguered Shar Pei, only with a more unfortunate haircut, but he impersonates David Niven when he is alone in his room so why not let him dress the part? For Clarice, who deserves the moon and the stars, I have bought a pair of shoes custom made in Milan that fit me perfectly. Her? Oh heavens no, she has the feet of a rhinoceros with tendonitis; she would look positively dreadful in these. But I also know she wants my grey stole and I will offer that to her when she can’t shove her Wellington-sized hoofs into these delicate cobbling feats of art.
For J. and Mr. Rochester I intend to send packages to Thornfield for several days – absolute mountains of them, all addressed from dignitaries from around the world. They will be empty; she can’t keep up with her load as it is and Mr. Rochester won’t know there is nothing in them anyway, but Emma Woodhouse will be red with envy at such and embarrassment of riches which is the greatest gift J. could get.
For Nate and Supermom I intend to give either two fully paid tuitions to military school or perhaps a handful of passes to some amusement park. She hinted at one but after Logan and Tabitha planted my rose bushes upside down to resemble a “haunted forest,” I am leaning towards the other.
To all the lovers in my life, of whom there are far too many I have decided. Not that I don’t adore each and every one but oh dear – the upkeep is killing me. Persephone shall have an ice blue ensemble since the color suits her so well; not to mention that it matches the area rug at the foot of my bed, where it will spend most of it’s time. I picked Opie up some pocket squares and matching ties. To assist with his color-blindness, I had corresponding labels sewn in so he only need match the “1” with the other “1” for a proper look; he’s a clever boy – he should sort it out. For my Raven I am giving a week in the tropics since she seems to need a vacation more than most I know. I worship that dame but I fear for the safety of my dining room furniture if she throws another hissy-fit. Oh Romeo, Romeo – I would give him the sun, were it mine to give. However, he will have to settle for a little MG – what a dashing figure he will cut racing down the road in that. I will so enjoy watching him from the safety of my bedroom’s balcony – that boy has all the precision of a drunk dragonfly behind the wheel. Adonis poses a problem given he is such an enigma and seems at a want for nothing. For now I have purchased the most gorgeous peignoir Paris has to offer and he can unwrap me as his gift.
My point is, darlings, a gift is only a gift if it’s personalized.