Dear Supermom

Can we talk about sex?  Is that okay here?  My partner and my sex-life, since we had kids, leaves a little to be desired.  We still do it and its fine, but it’s different from before – kind of bland.  Any suggestions?

One Shade of Mom

sauthorDear Deep Throat

Can we talk about sex here?” Have you met the Mistress of Place de Plume?  Naomi is one step away from sanctioning me for not being more erotic.  My problem is that I am not quite sure how to sex up the best way to get coffee stains off your mother in law’s purse without her noticing.  Although maybe having sex on her purse would distract from the stain…

No, even more than our pre-baby hair thickness, we miss knowing the temperature of the kitchen floor.  The “anytime, any place” come hither has been changed to “any time between when the kids fall and I fall asleep,” marked now in minutes.  When you ask if you can be on top, it is because you don’t want redo your makeup. Penthouse forum forwards our submissions to Parents Magazine and Parents sends them back to us with improvements.

So how do we get it back?  I thought I could answer this one on my own but Nate and I tried a few things and that simply didn’t go well.  I asked Naomi (mostly so she wouldn’t roll her eyes and call me the “G-Rated Writer” anymore.)  She gave me a few pointers that were impractical for parents of younger children (and I am convinced go against the laws of gravity.)  I have a friend, Mindy, who is always bragging about her sex life with her husband.  Everyone dreads going to lunch with her because not only do we feel inadequate as sexual beings, certain discussions do not pair well with Monte Cristo sandwiches.  But I swallowed my pride and called Mindy and she gave me the soundest advice I have heard yet: lie.

Apparently she and Caleb have as boring sex as the rest of us, but they are the only two who know it. She suggests jotting down anything you read in a magazine or hear on a talk show and apply it to your world.  Add specifics like the color of the spatula or if the teriyaki sauce is low sodium or not for authenticity.

She goes on to say it’s a great way to explain all the imperfections in your house.  The divot in the floor your child made with the fire poker because the gum wrapper “looked dangerous” is now the outcome of position 38 involving Aunt Rita’s milking stool (do not specify what position 38 is or from where you read it – it adds the sense of mystery we all long for.) The curtain the damn cat ripped from its rod AGAIN can be the causality from when you needed to gain purchase.

We convince people on a daily basis that we like our children and would rather be doing the dishes in our comfy homes rather than sitting on a beach sipping a Mai Tai as Chris Hemsworth rubs lotion on our back – we can certainly swing this.  Welcome to your new sex life, Deep Throat – its all in your head.

Always,

Supermom_sig2

Thank you to Jules F. from Groton CT for the suggestion.  If you would like to write to Supermom, email her at AskSupermom@placedeplume.com or click the button below:

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