Dear Supermom

I need your guidance. Every time I set foot on my kids’ campus, I am asked to run for some office or head a committee. I am flattered they want me for these jobs but I don’t know how many ways I can say “no.” I am not lazy; I just have a “filter issue” in that I don’t have one. I am afraid of getting riled up and telling the other parents what I truly think of their ideas or, possibly, their bratty kids. And then I will have to sit at wobbly bench next to the gross water fountain when I come to pick my kids up. How do I get them to hear me?

Soundless No

 

 sauthor  Dear Mime

Here’s the cold, hard truth: they are never going to hear you. Unless you say ‘yes’ – sorry, unless you say “OMGee YYYYYEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!” – you might as well flap your arms and make monkey noises; they will hear the same thing anyway (although, your Curious George impression will be infinitely more interesting.) This is a school; the only thing schools respond to are things in writing. You could walk in with your child vomiting into your purse and they would still not excuse him/her until you write it down. Putting it in writing can get you out of anything; a properly written note and your kid could get out of the SATs. So, since I am nothing if not helpful, I have written up a Filter Waver and posted it below. Print it out, fill in the necessary information and make several copies to be passed out any time someone on campus walks up to you with their mouth open.

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 I AM NOT ELECTABLE WAVER

 To Those Perusing Me – unless for a date (just in case)

Please excuse ____________________________________________(Your Name – your real name, not the one you tell Peppy Mom so you don’t have to go to coffee after the school run) from running, petitioning, sourcing, suggesting, answering, pretending or in any way approaching the cusp of any official or real position held by parents with ________________________________ (Name of School or personal hell). If ______________________________ (Your Name – either one is fine here) holds a position that allows her/him (Circle One – or both if you are bored) to speak out loud – like at all audible to another person – ______ (your name but write it really small) will say something that will horrify the entire room. I don’t mean like they will admit to watching last season’s of Tottering Around Town with Trashy Tuft-hunters, I mean like loudmouthed, ignorant protesters will recoil and say “Dude, a little tact, please.” Esmeralda (come on – it’s a good name; you wish you wrote it above) once made a biker gang cry by offering an opinion on their jackets. His/her (aha! switched it up on you; now you have to guess which you are) mother makes them submit their phone calls via email so she can prepare herself for any assaults _______________________ (any random noun) might offer up.

I know you have a position/office/pothole to fill but seriously, this is not the person you want filling it. If you or anyone else says something stupid, Esmeralda will tell you so. If you spend more than 5 minutes discussing the snacks for the Yipee-Kay-YEAH! Roundup Social rather than addressing the fact that the school cannot afford to provide textbooks written in this century, she/he/it/they will make the whole group stand outside with their noses to the wall for an unspecified amount of time. If anyone dismisses the Core Curriculum outright followed by the phrase “I didn’t read all that stuff they sent home or any of the information online because there was just so much” our friend here may, in fact, start lobbing Cheetos at them for the remainder of the meeting. ___________________________ (the name of your second cousin on your dog’s side) cannot filter, does not filter and will, as God is my witness, comment on those shoes you are wearing.

Written in Authority,

Supermom

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There. You’re welcome.

Always,

Supermom_sig2

 Thank you to Shelby R from Los Angeles, CA. If you would like to rap with Supermom, email her at AskSupermom@placedeplume.com

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