Dear Supermom

I have a small vacation place upstate. We often have friends come visit for a few days while we are here. Recently, a friend of my husband’s called to say she and her daughter were coming up for a visit. The problem is I don’t really like the daughter very much – or the mother at all. My husband suggested I disinvite them but when I tried, the mother reminded me that I hadn’t invited her so I couldn’t un-invite her, which unfortunately, I could not seem to argue.

Since they arrived, the mother has eaten all of the desserts I purchased for the week, has yet to rinse a dish, drank all my wine and, after spilling her coffee on my white couch, turned the cushion over rather than telling me in time to clean it. And the mother is the good guest. Her daughter insists on drinking from a proper teacup and proceeds to drop them every time – I have lost a whole set. She tore three of my dresses playing dress up without permission. She has bossed my children around so much they hide in tool shed to get away from her and she says really mean things about my hair. Do you have any suggestions as to how to get them to go home? Actually, I don’t care where they go, as long as it is 3 states away from me.

Full House  


sauthor Dear Time-to-Weed

There are so many things wrong with what you have written I don’t know where to start. I guess her drinking all your wine is probably not what I should focus on but I don’t really see how you are going to get through this without wine.

I am sure if I asked around someone would say that you should plainly state with gentle words that you have really enjoyed your time together but the visit is over. Unfortunately, I would have no idea what to advise you to say, as I am not really good with confrontations. I once paid $34 for a watermelon because the check out clerk misread the price and I couldn’t muster up the gumption to tell her she was wrong. Instead I told Nate it was a Peruvian Thaumaturgy Watermelon that only produces fruit every 23 years and is rode into town on the back of a virgin donkey to be blessed by the village peluquero before being exported to our massive chain grocery store. Either Nate knows as much about agriculture (and Spanish) as I do or he just stopped listening 3 words in.

My friend Dawn has a huge house thanks to an incredibly large trust fund. Many times her guests get lost and Dawn doesn’t see them until they are ready to leave. Can you afford a larger home? Maybe an obsolete museum nearby?

My friend Paige’s college roommate came to stay with her a while ago. Paige was excited, as they were inseparable in college. However, it turns out Paige and this roommate had been stoned the majority of college and had absolutely nothing in common once sober. They fought over everything, which included but was not limited to Paige’s choice of socks. What turned out as a political discussion ended up being a response to her roommate’s fear of the color orange. Paige didn’t think they would survive the week so when the roommate was showering, Paige packed up all her belongings, placed them on the front door step and called a cab. A bonus was Paige got to see her house on the evening news after the public indecency report was filed.

Another friend of mine, Ellen, had her husband’s best friend ask to stay with them after his divorce. What was supposed to be a month to get back on his feet was quickly becoming her children’s formative years. Her husband couldn’t bring himself to ask him to leave so one morning Ellen excused herself to go get the mail and put the house up for sale.

I do have good news; you don’t need to worry about it much longer. I happened to mention your dilemma to The Mothers (the fused, advice-dispensing creature consisting of my mother and mother-in-law) and after the first two lines of your letter they had their tickets booked, an Emily Post book under each arm and were already sputtering indignation over lack of sense and simple manners. I can guarantee you that within 20 minutes of their arrival, your house will be rid of any and all pests.

However, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for everything they say after your guests are gone.



Thank you to Tallulah B. from Valentine, NE for the email.  If you would like to write to Supermom, email her at


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