Dear Supermom

I am dying to take the kids to the beach but I am not quite beach ready. Do you have any quick fixes so I can strut on the shore in confidence?

Not Suited Yet

sauthorDear Centerfold

Ah, the beach body… if only there was some way to take our tanned, toned figure at the end of summer and store it in an airtight box until we were ready to put it on again. Of course, were I to drag out my last tanned and toned figure it would be a bit snug since the last time I was either of those things was when I was about 13. That’s not entirely true, when I that horrible sunburn 3 summers ago, after the searing pain subsided and before the skin blistered and peeled off, I was a nice golden brown hue; I think it lasted for about 8 minutes. However, between that and the fact that I learned that toothpaste does NOT work in a pinch if you forget your sunscreen, a lot of good came from that experience.

Back to your question, I am not sure this is what you meant but here are my beach tricks:

As for the tanning issue – it is an unfortunate paradox that you don’t want to show off your skin until it is nicely browned but the only way to brown it is to show it in the sun. Last summer I took to the beach early. When I removed my caftan, the brilliance of my pasty skin blinded an oil tanker’s captain that was off shore and the tanker ran aground, giving way to a natural disaster. Coincidentally, that is my nickname among those lifeguards now. So I don’t uncover at the beach any more – ever. I layer on clothing until I form a nice little yurt from under my giant floppy sunhat. The downside is that when the Earth Children mistake me for a Solstice Tent Celebration, the drum circle they form around me distracts me from my romance novel.

To remove unwanted hair, I use band-aids. Somehow, no matter how quickly I rush through my shower, there is only about 27 seconds left to shave my legs before the ice storm rains down from my shower head. So I must either shave quickly or razor off goose-bumps – either way, most of the hair remains until I remove the band-aids I need to keep the blood off my knee-socks (don’t ask.)

As for the beach body – I rely on the old trick of swimming next to someone who is slightly bigger than me. I am going to have to find someone new this year because Khalim birthed her calf over the summer and is now smaller than me; I am going to miss that pithy Beluga.

If you go to the beach by the golf course off of Main, tell them Natural Disaster says “hi.”



Thank you to Lesley, F. from San Diego, CA for the email.  If you would like to write to Supermom, email her at or click the button below::


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